- Site Map >
- Community >
- Non-Sims Discussion >
- Off Topic Discussion >
- Personal - Lolly's life
- Site Map >
- Community >
- Non-Sims Discussion >
- Off Topic Discussion >
- Personal - Lolly's life
Replies: 3 (Who?), Viewed: 1069 times.
#1
24th Apr 2019 at 11:47 PM
Posts: 239
Thanks: 160 in 6 Posts
Lolly's life
Loly was born at 24 weeks gestation,Her mother is terrified, afraid she's gonna die.
Lolly was born at 24 weeks gestation, her mother had an abortion but she born too early becuase of it.
Loly was rushed to the NICU, doctors carin' fo' her, they got the nurses and women and family and friends but Lolly got nothin' but a clamp to the baby's head.
Oh no, Lolly's alive, Lolly's alive, she made it, but how did she make it?!
No one's very happy about that, it's new york, where Loly was born, but Loly made it, too. Go figure, who knew?
Everyone's happy, they worshippin' they're gods, they're false idols, some are worshipping the real God, Jesus Christ but no cares if Lolly died.
Loly went home with her mother, Lolly was fightin' for her life.
Husband is happy to have a baby. He wants his baby, he thought that he was barron, this is God's little blessin', little does he know that his only blessin' in the
womb is gone.
Her husband calls, "where's Lolly?"
Her husband calls again, "I want to feel her kicks, again."
Her mother looks away from the beeping phone on the floor in her purse.
Mother's dying, they poked the wrong spot while givin' an abortion.
She died, right after they made Lolly die.
Lost a life.
Where's that life, now? In heaven, in the sky?
Loly was given hugs and kisses, and Lolly lost her life.
The doctors had stabbed Lolly in the brain, so much pain, she never survived.
Lolly's daddy came from home to see the girl he wanted and loved, Lolly, that was suppossed to be in her home, safe and sound but she was in a garbage can while Loly
got a bed and friends.
Where's Lolly's life that Loly was given, was Lolly not as important as Loly was when she died?
Lolly, hey baby, mine, I'm your daddy, I wish that I was with you now, I'll call you Lolly, cuz you were as sweet as a lolliepop.
I made a grave for you, I told my family about you.
We cared, we knew you were a life, and we loved you, too.
I'm sorry you're mother didn't love you, but I love you, too.
I'm sorry you died, I couldn't save you, It wasn't in my hands, it wasn't in my hands, it was in the dotor's hands, it was in your mommy's hands, but what if it was in
my hamds and I neglected it?
I should've been there for your mother and comforted her maybe then you'd still be here?
I really miss you, your mother didn't make it, but I know that she may love you and be holdin' you right now, right?
Is she holdin' you right now?
Is she holdin' you?
I lost it all, I should've owned it all, I thought I could take it but I couldn't so.
I lost my wife, I lost my life, which was you and is there much else that I can do?
What do I do?
My cousin said: Get over it, she wasn't a life but, hey, I'm sorry that yo' wife done died.
How could he do that?
Love for Loly
Dear Loly, it's your mom, I'm sorry you had to stay in NICU for so long.
You were only 24 weeks old, I could only hope.
I love you so that I can barely breath.
It's your daddy, Loly, I love you so much that I wouldn't change a thing, I love you so much that I could barely breath.
Where's the love for me?
A little girl says in the distance, no one can hear her, no sees her, but she's here.
She's crying.
Where's my love?
No one wanted me and they killed me but you get to live, it's because I was a that was too young.
But, you were too young too, so what about me?
You were too young too, so what about me?
You are way younger than I'll ever be.
I'm only a baby.
Loly made it to 1 years old,
Lolly made it as a soul.
Lolly died too soon.
Lolly died too soon.
Where's my age? Where my growth?
Where's my birthdays and my hope?
Why can't I be just like her?
Why am I here, but not her?
No one can hear me, you cannot see me.
14 years later.
Where's my love?!
Where's my love?!
Love for Loly, but she's the age that I am, Love for Loly, but she was just like me!
Love for Loly, I wish that had what she had!
I wish I could have that, where's my life?!
Where's my life?!
Where's my birthday and my pies, wheres the A+, where's the lies?
Where's Santa's comin' tonight?!
This is Lolly's life, none at all.
Lolly's Papi:
I love you, and I can't sleep, I see what you would look like in my dreams.
Lolly's POV:
I'm alive in Heaven.
Daddy, I love you, I am 18-years-old.
I'm a ghost of your love I can't find you, but I did find your note, it says:
Lolly, hey baby, mine, I'm your daddy, I wish that I was with you now, I'll call you Lolly, cuz you were as sweet as a lolliepop.
I made a grave for you, I told my family about you.
We cared, we knew you were a life, and we loved you, too.
I'm sorry you're mother didn't love you, but I love you, too.
I'm sorry you died, I couldn't save you, It wasn't in my hands, it wasn't in my hands, it was in the dotor's hands, it was in your mommy's hands, but what if it was in
my hands and I neglected it?
I should've been there for your mother and comforted her maybe then you'd still be here?
I really miss you, your mother didn't make it, but I know that she may love you and be holdin' you right now, right?
Is she holdin' you right now?
Is she holdin' you?
I lost it all, I should've owned it all, I thought I could take it but I couldn't so.
I lost my wife, I lost my life, which was you and is there much else that I can do?
What do I do?
My cousin said: Get over it, she wasn't a life but, hey, I'm sorry that yo' wife done died.
How he do that?
I love my purest being, Lolly, where are you now?
Where are you now?!
I'm in heaven with my friends, I'm in heaven with the other ones who died in the place where I died.
I know you love me so much, now.
I never felt that same love, I wish I felt like that before.
But, now...I'm finally happy.
The End.
Advertisement
#2
25th Apr 2019 at 3:56 PM
I have no clue what exactly this is supposed to be to be honest, but I can imagine it being a La Dispute song.
#3
25th Apr 2019 at 7:32 PM
Posts: 3,206
Thanks: 46 in 1 Posts
If this is your own work, I'd suggest changing one of the names to something similar e.g. Lilly. I found it really hard to read. The creative corner might be able to help you.
~Your friendly neighborhood ginge
#4
25th Apr 2019 at 8:25 PM
Last edited by simmer22 : 27th Apr 2019 at 7:07 PM.
Posts: 12,933
Thanks: 3 in 1 Posts
^ The name "Lolly" does sound weird, especially when you explain they literally named the baby after a lollipop, and keep switching between Lolly and Loly all the time.
Not sure if it's supposed to be a story or a poem. Perhaps a bit of both?
Some writing advice:
Not sure if it's supposed to be a story or a poem. Perhaps a bit of both?
Some writing advice:
First of all, the story is not particularly coherent.
She's born too early and the mother is afraid she (the baby?) is going to die, but then it's suddenly an abortion. The baby is taken to the NICU (where she stays for "very long" according to a line further down in the story), gets a clamp on her head (why?), and the baby survives. Then nobody is happy before everyone is happy again. The baby goes home with her mom, then suddenly the baby died before it's born (in the womb). Then the doctors do an abortion (or whatever they're doing when they poke the baby through the brain), that leads to the baby and the mother dying. And the baby gets thrown in a garbage can. Before the father buries her. And if I hadn't lost the track already, things started getting very confusing here with all the POVs.
There are several inconsistencies and weird things throughout. It's a good idea to do some proofreading before posting stories, so you can edit out the more obvious mistakes before anyone reads it. Perhaps do something with the spacing, too. I saw the sentence "womb is gone." and thought, "so they did a Hysterectomy all of a sudden?" but then read the sentence above, and realized the spacing of the paragraphs (or rather, the lack of proper paragraphs throughout) completely shredded a sentence and made a new meaning out of it. This happens several other places, but not quite to the same effect.
More of an annoyance, but I've seen several people do this, so I'm going to point it out: You can draw a breath or several breaths when it's a noun, but to use it as a verb you need to breathe. I breathe, you and your buddies breathe, while she breathes or is breathing. It's the same word base, but one is a noun (easy trick is to think of it as something you can count - one breath, two breaths, or one house, two houses), the other is a verb with various modifications that explains what is being done. A lot of people get these confused, and it's not always easy to get them correct, but learning some basic grammar rules goes a long way, and it's a lot easier to keep track of what's a noun and what's a verbified noun when you know how to recognize and use them.
And try to get your tenses right. Mixing them in the same sentence or in the same paragraph can make it a little difficult to follow if you don't do it right, and I can't quite get the sense of what is happening or what has happened. Something is either going to happen, is happening now, or happened in the past. However, something can be told as if it happened, while you quote characters as if they're talking in the present (the past-tense version "I'm hungry," she said, and sat down at the table, VS the present-tense version, "I'm hungry" she says, and sits down at the table.)
Then there's the POVs. If you use more than one and jump between them several times, they need to be marked clearly, or they get confusing. Don't change the POV in the middle of a paragraph.
The way I read paragraphs is that whenever there's a whole space between two paragraphs (like I've done above), there's something new in the next paragraph. Since forums generally don't have easy inserts, this is a common way to part up the text to make it easier to read. In contrast, space between nearly every line in addition to occasional 4-5 lines of nothingness, makes the text very unhinged and difficult to read. I think you're trying to underline a sentence and create a bit of drama, and a few lines like that at the end of a paragraph can create this effect - but the drama disappears when the method is used throughout the entire story. It's one of those "less is more" things.
Apostrophes are mostly used for shortening down words or showing ownership (I am = I'm, There is = there's, do not = don't, Nick's boots, Iris' clothes aren't clean because her mom's washing machine doesn't work), and on occasion to create a sence of an accent or personality, but try to use them sparingly. Unless "carin' fo' her" is supposed to be something spoken by a person with an accent, avoid that particular use. And what's with all the holdin'? The G is already silent.
She's born too early and the mother is afraid she (the baby?) is going to die, but then it's suddenly an abortion. The baby is taken to the NICU (where she stays for "very long" according to a line further down in the story), gets a clamp on her head (why?), and the baby survives. Then nobody is happy before everyone is happy again. The baby goes home with her mom, then suddenly the baby died before it's born (in the womb). Then the doctors do an abortion (or whatever they're doing when they poke the baby through the brain), that leads to the baby and the mother dying. And the baby gets thrown in a garbage can. Before the father buries her. And if I hadn't lost the track already, things started getting very confusing here with all the POVs.
There are several inconsistencies and weird things throughout. It's a good idea to do some proofreading before posting stories, so you can edit out the more obvious mistakes before anyone reads it. Perhaps do something with the spacing, too. I saw the sentence "womb is gone." and thought, "so they did a Hysterectomy all of a sudden?" but then read the sentence above, and realized the spacing of the paragraphs (or rather, the lack of proper paragraphs throughout) completely shredded a sentence and made a new meaning out of it. This happens several other places, but not quite to the same effect.
More of an annoyance, but I've seen several people do this, so I'm going to point it out: You can draw a breath or several breaths when it's a noun, but to use it as a verb you need to breathe. I breathe, you and your buddies breathe, while she breathes or is breathing. It's the same word base, but one is a noun (easy trick is to think of it as something you can count - one breath, two breaths, or one house, two houses), the other is a verb with various modifications that explains what is being done. A lot of people get these confused, and it's not always easy to get them correct, but learning some basic grammar rules goes a long way, and it's a lot easier to keep track of what's a noun and what's a verbified noun when you know how to recognize and use them.
And try to get your tenses right. Mixing them in the same sentence or in the same paragraph can make it a little difficult to follow if you don't do it right, and I can't quite get the sense of what is happening or what has happened. Something is either going to happen, is happening now, or happened in the past. However, something can be told as if it happened, while you quote characters as if they're talking in the present (the past-tense version "I'm hungry," she said, and sat down at the table, VS the present-tense version, "I'm hungry" she says, and sits down at the table.)
Then there's the POVs. If you use more than one and jump between them several times, they need to be marked clearly, or they get confusing. Don't change the POV in the middle of a paragraph.
The way I read paragraphs is that whenever there's a whole space between two paragraphs (like I've done above), there's something new in the next paragraph. Since forums generally don't have easy inserts, this is a common way to part up the text to make it easier to read. In contrast, space between nearly every line in addition to occasional 4-5 lines of nothingness, makes the text very unhinged and difficult to read. I think you're trying to underline a sentence and create a bit of drama, and a few lines like that at the end of a paragraph can create this effect - but the drama disappears when the method is used throughout the entire story. It's one of those "less is more" things.
Apostrophes are mostly used for shortening down words or showing ownership (I am = I'm, There is = there's, do not = don't, Nick's boots, Iris' clothes aren't clean because her mom's washing machine doesn't work), and on occasion to create a sence of an accent or personality, but try to use them sparingly. Unless "carin' fo' her" is supposed to be something spoken by a person with an accent, avoid that particular use. And what's with all the holdin'? The G is already silent.
My site - TS2 baby stuff - ToU
My stories: Anna's diary - Memories are forever - Little Fire Burning
My stories: Anna's diary - Memories are forever - Little Fire Burning
Who Posted
|