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Scholar
Original Poster
#1 Old 5th May 2016 at 12:53 AM
Default Staying friends with exes, your opinion?
Hello everyone

So I've been trying online dating again lately. I've been talking to one bloke for a few days now, we seemed to be getting on well in our messages until today. I had mentioned that I sometimes meet my ex-husband for coffee and a chat. The bloke I'd been messaging was horrified.

I'm totally surprised to be honest. My ex-husband and I split up mainly because we had lost the romance in our relationship, and had ended up as just friends. We are really good friends, I'd even class him as family really. He visited me when I was in hospital, and he brought his little girl (from his ex-girlfriend whom he went out with after we had split up) round near Christmas time, it was really nice and we had some cake. I love him dearly, but in a purely platonic way. There is nothing romantic or sexual between us whatsoever.

I'm really surprised that anyone would see our friendship as a threat to a romantic relationship. But this isn't the first person to think that, a woman I was chatting to a while ago thought the same too, and seemed to think that us being good friends was very odd.

I'm friends with all of my exes (except one, who treated me very badly), and whilst I don't see them regularly, I would probably stop for a chat if we bumped into each other.

It wouldn't bother me if I had a boyfriend who was friends with an ex either.

So what do you think? Are you good friends with any of your exes? Or do you think it's suspicious?
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Top Secret Researcher
#2 Old 5th May 2016 at 3:09 AM
What I think is this: when it comes to warning signs, telling you who it's OK to be friends with is a really big one.
Theorist
#3 Old 5th May 2016 at 6:06 AM
Quote: Originally posted by r_deNoube
What I think is this: when it comes to warning signs, telling you who it's OK to be friends with is a really big one.


Right in one.

My exes haven't always been super happy about my friendship with my almost-fiance but now twenty something years past the actual dating relationship I'm still friends with her unlike any of either of our other relationships. It's not anyone's damned business who your friends are as an adult. When you sign up to monogamy, implied or explicit, you should never consent to let that person even think they're allowed to tell you who you can associate with. Only your parole officer can do that.
Scholar
#4 Old 5th May 2016 at 9:13 AM
If both are okay with it, i don't know why you shouldn't stay friends with your ex.

My best (male) friend is one of my exes, we lost romance over time and distance (while i was in school, he was at university).
Right now we often play games or just talk. And we both think that's the best
Mad Poster
#5 Old 5th May 2016 at 3:39 PM
It depends on the person I guess. I haven't kept in contact with any of my ex's, other than a guy I was dating when I was 15, and even then I only really ask him how he is every once in a while. In one of my relationships I was friends with the guy for a year or so before w dated and we were practically inseperable. I actually really miss our friendship, way more than our actual relationship, which was 7 months of stringing it along even though he seemingly didn't care much. I kind of wish we could become friends again but also He's also probably my meanest most crazy exs...so I'd rather not.

~Your friendly neighborhood ginge
The Great AntiJen
retired moderator
#6 Old 5th May 2016 at 6:07 PM
Sounds like you handled your break up with your husband in a really mature - likely ideal way. I'm with r_deNoube - I'd be concerned about anyone who wanted to say who you should be friends with.

I no longer come over to MTS very often but if you would like to ask me a question then you can find me on tumblr or my own site tflc. TFLC has an archive of all my CC downloads.
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Theorist
#7 Old 5th May 2016 at 6:40 PM
The important thing is that it's no one else's business. Monogamy is about exclusivity in sexual relationships, not in all of the rest of your relationships. That's incredibly unhealthy, imo. I mean it's absolutely the case that some of my exes are in the "run away, run away now" category of never wanting to see again, but that's my choice - no one else's. As long as you don't plan on tripping and find his chocolate in your peanut butter playing hide the pickle again, it's not your boyfriend's business. And really, it's not his business in the sense that he's allowed to tell you that you can't do that either, just his right to say "screwing around on me isn't something I'm cool with, btw" and make a decision on his side to break up with you.

This is one of those adulting wins people are talking about in the other thread. Adults decide who they're friends with and don't let other people tell them who they're "allowed" to be friends with.
Theorist
#8 Old 5th May 2016 at 8:41 PM
I'm not at all surprised. It's a popular TV trope that when a couple gets in a fight and there's a friendly ex in the picture, the one with the friendly ex often turns to said friendly ex for "friends with benefits" sex action. People are concerned that "Amicable Exes" easily becomes "Sex with the Ex".

Of course, TV tropes aren't necessarily real life, but I've seen enough Dateline to know it happens in real life quite a bit too.

As for me, personally, I wouldn't like it. I would never tell someone who it's okay to be friends with. If I didn't like it, I'd either suffer silently, or more likely, find someone else. After all, they saw something in their ex in the first place that made them hook up. You can never be sure whatever they saw then, they won't see again.

Resident wet blanket.
Mad Poster
#9 Old 5th May 2016 at 9:28 PM Last edited by simmer22 : 6th May 2016 at 1:32 PM.
I wouldn't mind a boyfriend having a purely platonic friendship with an ex. But I would hesitate when it's the "somewhere in the middle ground" kind of relationship. My ex had several things about him that made me doubt we fit together - nothing bad or violent or anything such, but little things that among other things made me wonder if he was really over his ex, such as a necklace he'd gotten from her that he would wear all the time. I never quite knew what I could make of that... I think they were still friends, but seeing him wear the necklace every day felt weird to me. I wouldn't have felt the same about not very personal gifts like a DVD or a book or a generic piece of clothing, but things like jewlery or teddy bears or something hand-made tend to have a more personal touch.

So a pro tip to you all - it's perfectly fine to keep all those trinkets you've gotten from an ex (if you're not into the TV-trope thing of burning all of those belongings), but maybe not to wear them or openly decorate your home with them like a "still not forgotten my old flame, even if I have a new one" trophy. Some people might not think of it as a problem, but other people might feel it's a bit uncomfortable.

We broke off maybe a month or two before I moved away. We decided to stay friends, but that relationship sort of broke up naturally when I moved. Haven't heard a word from him since (not that I've put in any effort to keep in contact - but he didn't either).
Theorist
#10 Old 6th May 2016 at 1:52 AM
Quote: Originally posted by GnatGoSplat
I'm not at all surprised. It's a popular TV trope that when a couple gets in a fight and there's a friendly ex in the picture, the one with the friendly ex often turns to said friendly ex for "friends with benefits" sex action. People are concerned that "Amicable Exes" easily becomes "Sex with the Ex".


That's the thing though, if you're willing to break up with someone over a relationship with an ex you're willing to break up with them over a relationship with someone you've just met too. There's no special something about exes other than you already know them, and I presume most of all know lots of people. If you allow someone to be jealous over your exes, you're just inviting them to be jealous over your friends, and then to strangers (because after all, the person you are dating was once a stranger and look how that ended up), because even if they say otherwise what's really going on is that they're saying they think you're willing to screw around on them. And really? You might be, but that's nothing for them to control if you do. They're only allowed to respond, because no one's insecurities are worth giving them some sort of control over your sexuality or interpersonal relationships. You either trust someone or you don't, and really if you don't trust someone then either there's something terribly wrong with the relationship or someone in the relationship.
Mad Poster
#11 Old 6th May 2016 at 4:58 AM
I never stayed friends with my exes.

When you ruin relationships like I do, you're better off burning such bridges.

Personal Quote: "I like my men like my sodas: tall boys." (Zevia has both 12 and 16 oz options)

(P.S. I'm about 5' (150cm) in height and easily scared)
Field Researcher
#12 Old 6th May 2016 at 7:27 AM
Yeah I don't do the "friends with exes" thing.

In my experience, every relationship I've had that's ended was because I was cheated on. Even now, even though I'm over it, it still hugs me a little just to even see their faces. So I can't imagine actually being friends.

I guess it just depends on how/why you broke up in the first place.

Queen of the Land of Typos.

Check out my simblr.
Theorist
#13 Old 6th May 2016 at 3:34 PM
Quote: Originally posted by Mistermook
That's the thing though, if you're willing to break up with someone over a relationship with an ex you're willing to break up with them over a relationship with someone you've just met too. There's no special something about exes other than you already know them, and I presume most of all know lots of people. If you allow someone to be jealous over your exes, you're just inviting them to be jealous over your friends, and then to strangers (because after all, the person you are dating was once a stranger and look how that ended up), because even if they say otherwise what's really going on is that they're saying they think you're willing to screw around on them. And really? You might be, but that's nothing for them to control if you do. They're only allowed to respond, because no one's insecurities are worth giving them some sort of control over your sexuality or interpersonal relationships. You either trust someone or you don't, and really if you don't trust someone then either there's something terribly wrong with the relationship or someone in the relationship.


I don't think I would break up with someone who has a relationship with their ex, I'm thinking I wouldn't start a relationship with them in the first place. Granted, I can't say that with any certainty as the situation has never occurred for me.

I, personally, would also avoid anyone who has a close relationship with an attractive person of whatever gender they are attracted to, for the same reason I'd avoid someone who is close with their ex. That very rarely ends well for the dating couple. I would know, I was that close platonic guy friend once.

Resident wet blanket.
Instructor
#14 Old 10th May 2016 at 9:12 PM
I'm only friends with two of my exes, and that took well over 2 years to reach that level for each. We're not exactly friends, but I guess you could say we're friendly towards one another. There are no hard feelings.
As for the rest of the (mostly) losers I've dated, there's no relationship whatsoever. One of them I've actually told to never speak to me again. (After all, he abused me.) One of them lives far away now so I never see him around. Then there are two who I saw briefly, but I choose not to remember them (so much regret...) Then the most recent break up I've had was rather messy and sad, and as per my request I've asked him not to talk to me. (He had a whole slew of personal problems which I felt being projected onto me. It's not my story to tell.)

Anyways...I think there isn't anything wrong with remaining friends with your exes, so long that it doesn't interfere with the current or future relationships. It's kind of a gray area. But I feel like people break up for a reason, so unless the both of you broke up while neither was in the right state of mind, I feel like it is best to 'let it be' for awhile and maybe eventually learn to accept one another as friends.
I don't know if any of that made sense, and besides I'm just 18 so what do I know?
Alchemist
#15 Old 11th May 2016 at 1:31 AM
It's honestly nobody else's business who you retain as friends or not.
That being said, if you turn around and make it their business, then yeah, they probably will form an opinion about it, as people are wont to do. As much as I don't think it's your job to explain yourself to anyone about it, it's also not their job to understand/accept it.
However, I would think, if someone's that mortified about someone keeping an ex as a friend for any reason, it'd probably just be better to just go your separate ways.

"The more you know, the sadder you get."~ Stephen Colbert
"I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance." ~ Jon Stewart
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Scholar
Original Poster
#16 Old 12th May 2016 at 1:26 PM
Thanks for your answers guys, they're interesting to read.

I have to admit I was a bit worried, not about that particular bloke's opinion, just that maybe everyone thought the same thing. But I feel reassured by your responses

I'm still talking to the bloke on the dating website, but am starting to think he might be a bit odd. He seems to be one of those people who messages endlessly without ever suggesting meeting up, and I'm a bit bored of it now.
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