The sun was setting in L.A, bleeding into the horizon. A fiery red carpet was making way for the stars; Hollywood was full of them. The envious moon was forever green here, outshined by all and overlooked by many, for every Juliet had a Romeo, and… no wait, these Romeos don’t require the envy of our natural satellite. They don’t even read Shakespeare. Hey motherfucker, it’s like, so LA here, fuck like, you know, romance n’all, gotta tweet my fuckin’ love, babe, make out on Facebook…
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth were no exception. Neither had ever heard of Shakespeare, but both were rich enough not to give a toot. They weren’t even English anyway, though technically... Never mind. Recently engaged, rich, and famous, only a tiny enormous amount of education was lacking from their golden lives. They didn’t miss it. When ignorance is bliss…
Liam: I love you Smiley Ray. God I’m glad we made that shitty movie. Bless its crappy script! I love you babe.
Miley: Oh me too Liam! But that movie kicked ass! We’re more famous now, don’t be so Australian!
Liam: Sorry babe, you’re right. PR actually said we could’ve got an Oscar…
Miley: Excactly. I don’t get how we didn’t. And I met YOU on that shoot. You are, like, the love of my life, like, you’re soooo sexy lol, when you friended me on Facebook, I like, sorta, just knew!
Liam: Yeah I guess! I was pretty horny on the set, and we kept fake making out, so-
Miley: Yeah ok babe, shut up and tell me more about your sexy tweets today… Did you tell ‘em ‘bout the new toothpaste we bought? I bet the fans were like, super psyched, like hysterical! That was a major change in our lives, fuck me, right?
Liam: Sorry was that an order? Cause I’m in the mood for more if you have any…
Miley: No that’s just how I end my phrases when I’m hoping for agreement. It’s cool. It’s, like, way cool.
Liam: Bugger. I thought we were about to have sex right now.
Miley: Oh you can do whatever Liam! I’m so fuckin’ in love lol! And since I got you that penis birthday cake I feel so awesome, like, I have great taste and I showed the world we both love sex!
Liam: Oh yeah, about that cake, when I had to blow and cut my gay-pink genitals it wasn’t…
Miley: Wasn’t it??!! So Awesome! Classy! So public! Maybe next time we should just have sex on the table, no need for fucking icing and candles hey?
Liam: Or we could keep the sex for our private time? And leave genetilia out of our birthday parties. Have some now for instance… Come here smiley honey, wow I love to hold you close…
Miley: OK, fine by me, but whoa, wait a minute, I’ve got something for ya baby!
Liam: Yep I know Miley Mine, and I’m ready for it babe!
Miley: No, no, honey, let me go just a sec, I’ve gotta show you my move and make your Ozzy jaw drop, like, literally, fall to the ground!
Liam: Like literally? Should I be callin’ a fuckin’ ambulance or something?
Miley: What d’ya mean? Like I said, you’ll literally DIE babe!
Liam: Right, so either this is yet another misuse of a pretty simple adverb, or else… Ok yep I’m letting go…
Miley: Watch me baby, just watch me, this is gonna turn you on like a fuckin chainsaw!
Liam: For God’s fuckin’ sake, Miley, will you STOP talkin’ like you’re an emo in a slasher movie? You’re NOT turning me on.
Miley: Wait till you see what I’m about to do with my perfect body…
Liam: Hehehe… ok… sorry… You had my attention, now you have my-
Liam: …disgust! Fuck Miley I can’t believe you! You’re twerking again! What the hell is wrong with you? I still can’t believe you twerked on my mum’s birthday! You are NOT turning me on! You look like a fuckin’ joke!
Miley: Shut up it’s hot, it makes me look sexy! I just found out my sexiness! I’m a wannabe whore! Liam, watch me, twerking feels so good… I’m loving it…
Liam: Or you just look constipated, or windy, or itchy with fuckin’ worms! I am sick of this Miley, I am out of my mind, even girls in New Zealand look posher than you! Get your bloody ass back where it belongs!
Miley: Disney told me whatta do, and I fuck Disney! Don’t you ever, ever, tell me the same. I’ll twerk all I want!
Liam: What the fuck? Since when is twerking rebellious? I thought Hugh Hefner had made a few things obvious… Twerking is what cows do before insemination. It’s degrading. It’s hyper sexual and flatulently vulgar. It’s like telling the world you’re an animal and not an artist. You’re a vagina. A hole. A fuckin’ open well.
Liam: And you babe are not all that. You’re Miley Cyrus. You’re hot. You’re beautiful. You’re talented.
Liam: You’re the most beautiful woman I ever met without Botox.
Liam: I love you Miley. I have loved you for almost two years. I proposed to you. That has to mean more than your bloody heard of followers bloody hell! Fuck twitter! Fuck Facebook! And we all know you won’t get an Oscar so fuck them too! And your voice is real nice, but it’s not something to write home about, so you’re not gonna win in music either. So leave it alone Babe. Let’s lead a normal life, we’re way not normal any way..
Miley: My voice? Liam, what did you just say about my freakin’ VOICE?????
Ouch did Miley just sign up for cerebral reactivity? Or did she take it for a compliment? Liam’s fate relies on an apparent absence of grey matter… to be continued…