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Mad Poster
Original Poster
#1 Old 1st Feb 2015 at 5:45 AM Last edited by PANDAQUEEN : 1st Feb 2015 at 5:59 AM.
Default My Adversarial Side...About That...
Well, I guess I should explain some issues.

I have a few problems with confronting people, be it positive and constructive, neutral or negative and toxic.

I hate to admit this, but I was a constant bullying victim. By victim, I am saying I was targeted and harassed

When I was 3 years old, my older sister by 6 year would force me to do things or else. At age 5, she attempted to murder me by pushing me down the stairs at grandma's, but since I righted myself to land on my butt, she was guilty of attempted murder. Took me 9 years (by age 12), to rat her out for her slavery over me as a little sister that she would mess around with guys who'd burn the apartment peephole with a cigarette (what a dick!). The years in school were hard on me. Because my parents were bullied by the school for my out of control behavior in kindergarten, I was sent to a school for the disabled. However, the kids had disabilities of extreme severity. (Our school was converted from a building that failed to meet the ADA regulations for physically disabled student. How the kid in the wheelchair got up and down the stairs is beyond me) I felt like I was in the wrong school. When I was reintegrated into public school, I got called "retard" A LOT. Due to an false incident involving me that wasn't reported to my parents, I was forced to be dragged to the nurse's office if I needed the bathroom and was given a 5-minute limit (Try taking a dump in 5 minutes...you can't). 6th grade was okay, because I went to a different school and that regulation was erased.

By 7th grade, I faced an uncaring teacher and the onslaught of teenagers with too much money they use to spend on drugs and alcohol. My first school dance was cancelled because someone narc'ed about the plan to roofie and spike the punch. I was mad at the junkies for ruining my chance to dance. By age 14, I went through a Goth stage (black clothes, blood red hair and an extensive collection of morbid poems, which I presented an Edward Gorey poem as part of the "choose your own piece" assignment) and became very defensive of those I couldn't trust. During the transition to high school while still in junior high building, I'd would appear in 2 periods at the beginning of the day, then cut classes to spend the majority of the day in the study hall reading Japanese History and Language. Undermining my trustable circle, the school and taxpayer's expense, but the previous years would tell you I needed to hide.

Although high school was for the most part easy, by 12th grade, I gained 3 enemies, Brittany Beck, who was angry I knocked her down from #1 to #8 in the popularity poll of "Jill-of-all-trades for the graduating class", Jared, an ex-prison guard who'd play too hard, reducing me to tears when I got home and an unknown old woman who'd call me a whore or slut at every possible moment.

Because of an exploited loophole, I was forced to stay in school until June 2009. When I graduated, I would encounter cyber bullying.

Let me be frank: I had attempted to commit suicide via overdose TWICE! I would chicken out in the end. My first attempt was at 14 because of school and my second attempt was at 22 because of the relentless bullying I faced at message boards. At deviantART alone, I've gone under 8 aliases and the majority of the deactivated accounts were due to harassment.

At first, I was timid, but I became more aggressive and stood up to my bullies and now call them out for their cowardice.

As I am coming up on 28, I have reverted to my defensive mode from 14 years old.

I am a person who tries to life a normal, healthy life, but years of abuse shows that my scars haven't quite healed.

Personal Quote: "I like my men like my sodas: tall boys." (Zevia has both 12 and 16 oz options)

(P.S. I'm about 5' (150cm) in height and easily scared)
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Mad Poster
#2 Old 1st Feb 2015 at 5:49 AM
I'm guessing this has something to do with you having a go at Nymphetamine?
Theorist
#3 Old 1st Feb 2015 at 6:42 AM Last edited by Shoosh Malooka : 1st Feb 2015 at 6:56 AM.
Can't do anything about how bad your childhood was except learn from it. It has definitely shaped your then developing brain and produced memories, defensive mechanisms, and perhaps wrong solutions and perceptions of current situations. One time I found myself in tears yelling at my classroom over this one particular asshole person, the editor of the school newspaper. Then I knocked over a table like I thought I was Jesus. They told me that when I come into the room that I should leave my psycho shit at the door and be professional. In other words, they didn't care what shit I go through. And truthfully why should they?

So cut to years in the future, my therapist shows me a ted talk video about a woman who turned horrible into triumph one by one. The lesson is to look at each of those things in the past and ask "what can I learn from this particular instance?" There was this one time in my life where I told all my current friends to "cease communication." That was the end of that friendship, but I was haunted by that last gathering for more than five years. Haunted as in, severe withdrawal and isolation, and recurring thoughts.

November 2014 when I turned 26 was when I tackled it. The real truth is that I was so humiliated at being a stepping stone that I was willing to make up a lot of shit just so that I could look like a victim of their injustice when fact was that I just couldn't face them. The haunting memories and revisiting of that last conversation is just me wishing that I could have gotten away with dignity. tl:dr I had deep regret that I looked like an idiot. Realizing this part about me was the point, as well as a resolve to stop being so psycho over how others see me. And I think the issue is mostly resolved because I don't waste time revisiting that last meeting anymore.

So, I hope this helps in your situation. Gotta tackle those issues that can warp out from the past to bother you now and learn / know what your brain is doing with it so that you can control and restrain, instead of having to use the past as an excuse. Because people are not responsible for how you were hurt. It's kind of like a time-traveling bomb, isn't it? Should disarm it.

And that's the best I can post right now. May not be able to completely solve it, but mitigate it and keep it under control as your adult self. Hope you can grip what's been hurting you so that it stops hurting you.

Quote:
I have a few problems with confronting people, be it positive and constructive, neutral or negative and toxic.

Small world. Confrontation doesn't have to be a full on 10, but a nice and polite, but firm 2. At that point, it's not a confrontation but more like a request.
Theorist
#4 Old 1st Feb 2015 at 6:55 AM
Honestly? I know we're all supposed to be friends and all that, but to be clear: we're not. We're acquainted strangers on the internet. Worse, there's more strangers than this here.

Everyone has baggage... this is something I'd probably say falls into the TMI category. We can't help, someone eventually will use it to hurt, and it's the internet - this is kind of the emotional equivalent of taking a picture of your genitals and sharing it with "a close group of people." Do not trust us. I don't trust you. I don't trust me. Never trust anyone on the internet. We are not kind, we are not safe, this is not good.

/old dude advice mode
Top Secret Researcher
#5 Old 1st Feb 2015 at 4:22 PM
To further Mook's wonderfully accurate description of all this, and in respond to your request for an apology - I will apologize for making you feel like I backed you in a corner, but not for the out of context slight you may think I threw your way. As I said in the other thread, I do not know you. None of us really know each other. That's what makes the internet a creepy, scary place.
I can see why you're so defensive with your tale of childhood trauma, however, I did *not* do anything other than state a question, and response. I'm certainly not into bullying of any sort. Won't get into personal deets on that score. In future, I suppose the best result is not to say anything at all in response to anything you may type, simply for fear of offending you over what, I have no idea.
So for making you feel threatened, apologies. However, I'm not going to apologize for typing my mind and thoughts on the internet. Mods take note of said attempt to correct my mistake

She was rouge and red lips, dark hair and soft hips, mischief and laughter - and she wanted you to love her faster.
Former Hamster
retired moderator
#6 Old 1st Feb 2015 at 5:36 PM
Hey guys:
I have a feeling that this thread could get out of hand, which means feelings could get hurt etc, etc. Please don't let it end up like that. Okay?

@PANDAQUEEN
I'm gonna back Mistermook up on one of his points here: What you posted could be used against you at some point. I'm not saying it -will-, I'm saying it could. There -are- people who will take information like that and use it against the person who posted it. I don't like to think that there are people here @ MTS who are like that, but I'd be lying to myself (and everyone else) if I said there aren't. You might want to think about just deleting this thread at some point.

Mistermook is right about something else- we all have baggage. How much of that baggage a person shares with others is totally up to them, of course. But it's usually a good idea to stop and think before you share. I understand the desire to explain yourself to others if they seem to not quite get it. But honestly? What a person online thinks of me doesn't really matter to me. Sure - someone thinking badly of me might bother me a bit (okokok, it does bother me a bit but I try not to dwell on it!) but it's the people in my -real life- and what they think of me that really matters. (And those are the people I never really feel the need to explain myself to. )
Mad Poster
Original Poster
#7 Old 1st Feb 2015 at 8:14 PM
The fact my baggage is indicative of my problem is obviously true.

I guess people are not ready to deal with the fact I am practically a genius as dictated by my family, which to live up to the heritage of French-German scientists, artists, medical personnel and programmers and I feel like a dummy.

Personal Quote: "I like my men like my sodas: tall boys." (Zevia has both 12 and 16 oz options)

(P.S. I'm about 5' (150cm) in height and easily scared)
Mad Poster
#8 Old 1st Feb 2015 at 10:30 PM
Scars from your childhood is unfortunately something you'll just have to learn to live with. You can't do anything about the past, but you have a say in the future. The thing is, most people have some kind of baggage they're dealing with, either a bunch of small things or a bunch of big things, or a mix of both. It all adds up. Some people learn to deal with it, and some people don't.

If you don't deal with them, you can continue to let all the bad stuff you've been through control the rest of your life, and let it push you further down in the dirt. Usually leads nowhere good.

If you decide to deal with the problems and experiences, you can learn from them and eventually you'll figure out ways to rise above it. You won't forget what happened, and it will always be a part of you, but you'll learn to see that there's always a way to move on. You simply can't move forward and look back at the same time.

I've had to deal with bullying, the loss of close family members, social anxiety, and a bunch of other things throughout my childhood and teens, in addition to a recurrence of the bullying when I for a brief time a few years back had to share an apartment with a crazy dude (I suspect he had some psychopatic tendencies), along with some health issues that's had me in and out of sick leave the past few years. I've been beaten down psychically, had long periods with no friends, developed social anxiety issues, probably had some form of PTSD in my younger years, and various other things. I've had times where I've been very low down, both earlier in my life and now, and I've struggled with various anxiety issues for most of my life. However, I've somehow managed to get my stubborn ass through all of it, and while I still have issues, I'm learning to deal with them. I've also had times when it was easy to blame existing issues on previous problems, but I've since learned that the excuses don't help me or anyone else. My scars are part of me, and I just have to live with that. They don't show on the outside, but they're still inside, still trying to heal. I guess they're just starting to heal properly now, instead of being in a state where they're too easily ripped open.

As for having to live up to other people, that rarely leads to anything good. Start with fixing yourself, and try to become the person you want to be, not the one everyone around you wants you to be. If you always have to live up to everyone else's expectations, you'll most likely end up burned-out, depressed and bitter.
Theorist
#9 Old 1st Feb 2015 at 11:57 PM Last edited by Mistermook : 2nd Feb 2015 at 5:08 AM. Reason: typo
Quote: Originally posted by simmer22
try to become the person you want to be, not the one everyone around you wants you to be. If you always have to live up to everyone else's expectations, you'll most likely end up burned-out, depressed and bitter.

Oh come on now.... Everyone is likely to end up burned out, depressed and bitter anyways. Getting old sucks and either you die or all your friends die first THEN you die. And everything stops working right, which if it didn't work great before is an absolute dick move on the part of the universe. Old age breaks you. Its purpose is to screw you up so badly that eventually you give up fighting and succumb to death. If that doesn't make old people a little bitter then they're not even trying.
Alchemist
#10 Old 2nd Feb 2015 at 4:41 AM
Generally speaking, it's signing yourself up for an emotional mugging to have any expectations as to how others will interpret or react to you via internet.
If you don't expect anyone to know you, or agree with you, or understand you, you'll probably be pretty happy anywhere. Of course, this also applies offline, but it's a bit more difficult to shut off and ignore stuff that bothers you (Or just drop it, as I've had to in Debate threads I've posted to, sometimes) offline. The internet is a place of misinformation, uninformed opinions and willful ignorance. You set the bar for how much of it you're willing to tolerate/entertain.
The glory of the internet is that you do have a choice as to whether or not you willingly add to the drama that does occur. You never owe anyone an answer, or a reply, or a statement, or even an explanation. Everything you do or don't post, is completely voluntary, and if you feel like you have to reply to someone, I'd say you could stand to work on walking away.
And as much as we don't know you, you don't know us, either. It'd be great if everyone could be flawlessly considerate on the basis that we're all psychically connected and therefore fully aware of each other's trials and tribulations, but that's simply not the case. That may seem dismissive, but it's less of a dismissal and more of a statement of fact.

"The more you know, the sadder you get."~ Stephen Colbert
"I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance." ~ Jon Stewart
Versigtig, ek's nog steeds fokken giftig
Mad Poster
#11 Old 2nd Feb 2015 at 4:25 PM
Quote: Originally posted by mustluvcatz
What a person online thinks of me doesn't really matter to me. Sure - someone thinking badly of me might bother me a bit (okokok, it does bother me a bit but I try not to dwell on it!) but it's the people in my -real life- and what they think of me that really matters. (And those are the people I never really feel the need to explain myself to. )
This is something to paste on your mirror and repeat to yourself daily. Someone at work keeps pointing out that if she's only hurt or concerned if one of her loved ones says something bad about her or calls her a name. It's all about perspective.

Addicted to The Sims since 2000.
Mad Poster
Original Poster
#12 Old 9th Feb 2015 at 5:52 PM
All I can do is grab a hold of something, slowly pick myself up, dust myself off, fix my unisex underwear (American Apparel), treat my wounds with various salves and sized bandages, grab my army backpack and head home to regroup.

I have told part of the baggage I've shared with you to Liz, particularly the defensive Goth phase.

Personal Quote: "I like my men like my sodas: tall boys." (Zevia has both 12 and 16 oz options)

(P.S. I'm about 5' (150cm) in height and easily scared)
 
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