I'm sure we all have them, but they're really weird. You know that moment when it suddenly hits you that you're really not entirely happy with yourself and your life? i just had one of those. i realized that while my life's been falling apart, i've failed to aim for my own dreams. Sure I've planned where I wanted to go to college and what i wanted to study and where i wanted to go from there, but I haven't aimed for the PERSON i want to be. What with everything going on in my life (parents' divorce, death of last surviving grandparent, battles with depression, high school pressure in general, best friend moving away, commuting across a state between parents' homes, loss of several dear pets, etc you don't need to hear any more ) I haven't developed myself into the person I want to be. I told myself i'd get back in shape, and guess what, it hasn't happened. I told myself that I'd change the way I look, I haven't done it (admittedly that my school is partly to blame for that, damn catholic schools). I wake up every day so worried that I'll screw something up, or something else bad will happen (God knows I'm not sure I can handle any more), or that I'll be ridiculed for being weird (which despite my going to a catholic school still happens a lot, you'd be surprised) that i forget what I had motivated myself the night before to do that day to change myself for my better.

I realize that this is the typical cliche that people associate with the later teen years, but i think those people who dismiss these moments as the hormones doing serious remodeling never had these moments, that or the after-puberty early-onset Alzheimer's made them forget.

I realized last night as i was thinking about all this that I only have one shot at getting this right. I'm letting all that's going wrong affect who I am, and I realized, I don't like that. It's the opposite of how I normally am, normally i'm detached and logical, but for some reason, i can't be that way with all that's going wrong here.

You know how in your brain you have an image of your ideal self? Physically and mentally? I realized that I look nothing like my ideal self-image. ' not going for perfection here, I'm just saying that if you put me next to my ideal self, there's NO resemblance. I really want to change that...


I guess I needed to vent that. Thanks for listening.

If it makes you feel any better, I think we're all a little disappointed with who we've become. I've always wanted to change myself, because there comes a point where "be happy with who you are" just isn't good enough anymore.

I totally agree that adults tend to write off every problem teenagers have as just 'teenage angst' without realizing that the teenage years are arguably the most important and life-changing years of people's lives.

For what it's worth, even if you don't see yourself as your ideal 'you', you're a really great person Raps. You've got drive and talent, you're nice, and it looks like you've been putting up with a lot lately. I hope things clear up for you, you deserve things to get better!

Venting is good. You've been nice enough to listen to my venting before too and that means a lot to me!

Well, see, it's mostly the changeable things I'm not happy with.

Well, still, some of it IS angst. Never said there was none. But this isn't it.

Aww, thanks. seems like things could definitely be going better for everyone though...

Ah, no problem. We have to vent to each other occasionally.

Wait! *runs off and comes back a few minutes later carrying something*

As is instictual to female homo sapiens, at the first sign of seeing someone upset, a strange hormone called "estrogen" calls for them to stuff everyone in the general vicinity full of ice cream. In this case: ham ice cream.

Mmmm... Creamy, yet meaty!

You know, that just made my day. Sometimes I wish i had a sister like you.

"creamy, yet meaty..."

This is generally a sign that you should run off and join the Army. What's not to like? Join the Army! See the world! Meet new and interesting people from distant and exotic cultures, and then kill them! There is just something satisfyingly clear and direct about shooting people to death, you know? When all is said and done, happiness is a warm gun.

When i saw your name under 'last response' I knew to expect something like that.

Aww! That's so sweet of you to say!

I wish I had a sister like me too. That way we could switch places all the time and no one would be able to tell! What would you get up to if you had an identical twin/clone/you from the future? There's all sorts of great things you could get away with! Like... uh... hmmmm... On second thought, I hadn't really thought about it that much.

I've always loved that army quote! I could never join the army, though. I'm too much of a wimp. I mean, I have issues killing bugs. (but not mosquitoes. NEVER mosquitoes! *war cry*)

You could do the classic thing where you get people to believe there's only one of you then have the 2 of you appear repeatedly throughout the day all over the place.

Most bugs I can kill, but centipedes are just plain weird. Where's the raid?

LOL WWW, it's a good thing I wasn't a twin, or else everyone I know would be in an aslyum.

its the truth too (just be lucky you can't see me when i'm hyper )

I guess i can just log off. :D

my friends get mad at me cause noone can understand what i'm saying.

you talk too fast?

*southern accent* yup. i sure do.

southern accent....what state are you from?

Well, it's either that, or, well, tomorrow is An Hero Day. A perfect day to become an hero. If you decide to go that route, we will always remember you as an hero.

Oh yes. I've always hayed my blonde hair. (Yep I'm male). Seriously it's like massively blonde.

Well, you could dye it.

Then we can all make fun of your blonde roots!

No wait, WWW! We're being supportive right now!

As a blonde, I kinda know what you mean. I sometimes get jealous of my sister, who has natural red hair. Although, she went to Costa Rica to study spanish for a semester and she ended up dying her hair brown. She said she just got so sick of being stared at all the time because her hair was red. Blondes are rare enough in Costa Rica (where everyone has brown or black hair) but a red head? She said she felt like the only natural red head in the country, and given how many natural redheads there are left in the world, that might not have been far from the truth.

Yeah, i have medium brown hair, meaning if i were to dye my hair blonde it'd come out greenish, dye it red and it'd look purple. I dyed my hair twice, a long time ago. I've grown comfortable with my hair color, but I really hate the waves it has. I really wish that I had straight hair, which is completely accomplishable. but wait, get this: the school I go to forbade my from straightening my hair because....wait for it...."only gay guys straighten their hair and being gay is a sin."

I AM GOING TO GET THE BLOODY EFFING HELL OUT OF THIS BACKWATER HELLHOLE. WTF? I mean, REALLY. Oh, and also: If your hair touches your eyebrows or your collar, the school reserves the right to expel you. W. T. F?

I'm male right and have long-ish blonde hair. I use a comb to straighten my hair and everybody staires at me in the street. I have considered dying my hair but it.... lets just say it looks wierd. My fringe touches my eyebrows and I'm not GAY!!!. Thank god I don't go to your school rap, not dissing or anything just errr glad I don't go there.

oh god, for your sake, don't ever come to this town even. you'll be stared at like a leper. I am.

just out of curiosity, are you of Nordic decent somewhere?

Is that a place. *speaks in baby voice* Oh oh I have blue eues and blonde hair. *bites bottom lip*