Replies: 1 (Who?), Viewed: 1612 times.
Test Subject
Original Poster
#1 Old 23rd Jun 2014 at 4:37 PM
A Story in Progress
READ FIRST PLEASE: I wasn't sure where to put this because I wanted some input on the direction. Also because it's currently incomplete in terms of content and photos. I want to lean away from the cliche and was hoping someone could help me. As well as I'm having trouble keeping it align with my original idea of supernatural stuff or drama inclined >.<! So mods move this where appropriate x) if it's in the wrong place, sorry~

Everyday, she spends thinking that maybe one day would be different than the others. Most of her high school years went by just going to school, studying, and occasional social activities. Tired of wanting to break free from this cycle for someone or thing to just crash. Mira heard a voice echo, “Be careful what you wish for…” unsure if it was her mind playing tricks or a deep voice whispers in her ears.

She started on the usual routine to go for school. Making sure her appearance looked right, she had a certain degree of reputation to live up to. Too prideful to give in, but good looking enough to be envied. At least that’s how it goes in her head and that was enough for her. As Mira stepped downstairs a bright yellow square popped out at her on her usual clean fridge. It read, “Sorry, I’m going to be gone for a few days to a week or so this business trip is going to take longer than expected. I put money on the counter to last you for a while. Love Mama Bear xox”. It was comforting for the small girl to have a heartfelt words from her mother she barely sees anymore.

Her parents were not the most well off. Mira’s dad passed away when she was seven and to this day it has just been Mira and her mom. Fending for themselves as cliché as it sounds. Most of the time spent together Mira tried to push her mom into the dating scene, but it was to no avail. From Mira’s farthest memory, her dad was extremely handsome. I mean, “Wow, #1 most handsome man,” that settled on her mouse like mother for a lover. A small snicker escaped from her lips pondering it and a frown quickly replaced it wishing she was more beautiful like her dad.

Mira’s mom did not like keeping any photos of her late spouse, if she loved him that much. When he passed on all the photos were burned during his funeral. A little black dress that barely fit hugged a tiny girl. The deep mahogany of her eyes had little trickles of tears falling. This memory burned Mira as she thought about her father’s funeral. The numerous faces of strangers standing around like they were close, she had never seen any of their faces. Searching for a familiar face her eyes fell upon a little boy that looked a few years older stood along with tears streaming down his face. Focusing on the boy’s face Mira started to get a headache as usual, trying to recollect what his face.

Through the years, she learned to pick of the pieces and be a ‘strong independent’ woman as much as possible for her mom. Mira’s mom started devote her life to work and Mira tried to not be in her hair. Mira knew that it was her escape from reality. Memories of Mira’s father happened to become more blurry as time passes. Memories of him fade even now.

The tick of the clock snapped Mira back to reality, where she must face the hordes of people that try to say their good people, but truly only have themselves in mind when it comes to it. Highschool presented itself with a new array of problems that did not exist before. From friendships falling apart to boy problems that were never on her mind before. She became more self-conscious about how she looked and acted and who she hung around with. Many of her inner circle broke away and she was left alone with a strange girl never the less her best friend Danielle.
Lab Assistant
#2 Old 24th Jun 2014 at 9:56 AM
This is a really good story idea, thanks for sharing it with us! I have a few suggestions:

Your story does sound a bit cliche. The whole "female teen facing school problems and father died at young age" is very stereotypical. You said you want a supernatural and dramatic theme. You need to remove the usual, and replace it with the hype and the abnormal. Have you heard of showing vs telling? Showing is much better. Showing creates a visual through words, also known as vivid description. Instead of saying she had a hard time at school, show it. Show the audience that high school was/is a problem to her. What has it done to her physically and mentally? Are there dark circles the size of ugly black cockroaches under her eyes from crying all throughout the night about that one boy who mean't the world to her? Does she have hundreds of pictures scattered on her walls of her new friends from becoming attached after being abandoned in her friendship group? Stuff like that.

Because you said you want a supernatural theme in this story, the voice Mira (supposedly) heard in her head is crucial. She can't just brush it past unless it's usual for her to hear voices in her head. If it is, is it because of magic or a disorder? Remember to show this! Bring up magic or signs of supernatural tendencies early in the story, so readers know what the theme of the story is. Also, drama calls for over-exaggeration! You need dramatic things to happen. Watch soaps like The Bold & the Beautiful, Young and the Restless and ESPECIALLY House of Anubis (fits with both of your themes so well!) and see how they dramatise things. Secret affairs, death, mental disorders: these are all situations which cause drama to one's life. Add them in and watch how they can majorly affect your story.

Your pictures are really good, but I think you need more. Try not to chuck a heap of writing after some pictures. It's okay for a conversation to be like this, but with lots of writing it has the possibility to unfortunately bore some readers. At the same time, not everything needs to be shown. Do you get what I mean? Your pictures should also try to be in different angles. Maybe just show her face, at times, or maybe her feet? Switch it up here and there, because the same shots can be boring.

But overall, your story is really good and I'm hoping to hear more from you about it. Cannot wait to read the next part!

Hope this helped
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