I decided we all needed a laugh.

So here you put your best comebacks to insults - whether you heard them on TV, in a film or with your mates!

The other day, we were in the canteen at lunch, and this girl was trying to pisstake this guy I know and she went:
"Hah, funny(!)"
And he just went:
"Your mum's funny... in bed"
It sounds so lame but it was hilarious at the time when we were all high on sugar.

What about you? I WANT TO LAUGHHH.

Hmmm... this one was by me:

Guy: If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Me: Testicles... you don't have them tho :D

Well, yesterday my friend Nick decided to say that stupid "That's what she said" thing after someone said something, and then suddenly Hayley just goes "Not to you!"

Not very funny, but for some reason I found this quite amusing considering the fact that I was laughing so hard I tripped over a backpack and hit my head on a pole -_-'...

Once this guy kept trying to hit on my friend using the worst chat up lines you have ever heard, and she just turned round and went "Hey, did you get your money back?" and he just went "where from?" her answer: "charm school!" and the rest of us laughed all the way to class. It was hilarious at the time, believe me...

I got a shirt for saint patty day that said " don't touch my lucky charms". My older sister in law obvious did not like it, so she complained saying I probably don't even know what lucky charms is reffering to. To which I said," At least I still have my charm. Oh yeah and boobs." She huffed at me and went away with her -A cup.

Also on the St. Patrick Day Parade we had fire truck driving. One fireman that was in a truck looked at me and I made a honking gesture with my hand. He smiled at me and honked. Same person as above goes," Oh wow, what a coincidence! You did the gesture and he honked!" To which I frowned and replied," That is why I did it..." She looked at me dumbfounded and went," Oh...Ok."

Haaha these are all hilarious!

This kid on my bus, whenever someone annoys him he calls them a "dum-dum". But he also likes to use the f-word excessively. So he ended up calling me a "f***ing dum-dum", which made me laugh even harder at him...
Oh wait, that was a BAD comeback. Oh, well.

This one idiot in my grade kept saying "retard" and "gay" and I hate when people do that, so I asked him to stop. He didn't, because he's a douchebucket, so I kicked him in the balls. When he doubled over in pain, I went, "Ummm...what's the matter?"

This isn't exactly a comeback, but this guy was getting interviewed on tv and when asked what the experience was like he responded "Like getting smacked in the arse with a rainbow."

Well me and my brother had been fighting and I said a really good insult, and in return he shouted "and your a tuna sandwich!" I don't really get it but it was absolutely hilarious

I have two:

Me: "You are so toast"
Ari: "Well, youre burnt toast"
Me: "Well youre . . . ."
Aaron: "FRENCH TOAST!"

Mum: "I'm busting my hump for 8 bucks an hour whilst all you do is sit around!"
Damian: "Gee Mum, I thought you worked at a hotel . . ."

That one made me laugh so hard because he's only a little kid . . .

What's you excuse for being a lazy @$$ hole now?

IDK, hat's yours?

Oh how I adore Monty Python.

Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: We found them.
Guard: Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!
Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard: Well, Mercia's a temperate zone!
Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Guard: ... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

King Arthur: I am your king.
Peasant Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Peasant Woman: Well, how'd you become king, then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.
Dennis the Peasant: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis the Peasant: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege! [trumpets blare to a shot of a castle]
King Arthur: [awed] Camelot!
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Sir Lancelot: Camelot!
Patsy: It's only a model.

Josh: Don't you ever get fed up of hearing the sound of your voice?
Me: Not really, but I do want to take a sedative everytime I look at you.

It was just funny at the time, I guess. And it's true.

Angie!!! I love you!!! Monty Python is the best!!! :D
I don't really remember the awesome comebacks xD
Besides this based on Mean Girls:
Dude: Nice wig! What's it made out of?
Person: Your mom's chest hair!

^ I know. We got to watch it in drama class in grade 4 and 5, it was the best!

This one was today:

Principal: The student was in the smoking pit at the time -
Me: We have a smoking pit?!?!
Person Beside Me: Uh, duh, this is TDC. What did you expect, people chanting hymns?!?!

When he was about... eight or nine, one of my brother's favourite insult to stop my other brother or myself from singing was, "You sound like a rusty walrus!"

One that a friend of mine uses a bit when someone calls her fat (she isn't):
Person: You're fat!
Friend: That must make you freaking obese!

I watched the pirate episode of Friends for the millionth time earlier (I have the box set :D) and re-discovered one of my favourite comebacks:

Ross: Hey, Pheebs, to you want to come help out too?
Phoebe: I wish I could but it's just that... I don't want to.

^ahaaa ;] i love friends <3.

Krissy: Can we please stop talking about this, I'm trying to eat!
Jade: What? A prostitute is just somebody you pay to have sex with you!
Erikka: Like your mom!
Jade: HEY!!

For record Jade's mom isn't a prostitute. :P

From Metalocalypse:

Toki: "I cans stills hears yous!"

Skwisgaar: "So whats do you wants? An I-can-hears-things awards?"

Toki: "Nah... that doesn't sounds like such a great awards to be honest..."

Jenna: Yeah, on Friday we made smoothies is cooking class. I chose mango.
Me: And how was it?
Jenna: It was good, but after a while it started tasting too mango-ey so I decided that I didn't want it.
Me: But you chose that flavour.
Jenna: It's not my fault that mango is a fun word to say!



EDIT: Just found this one, it's hilarious seeing as I'm a Mac gal:

Is Windows A Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

Ok, so its tough at my school. Were combined with a high school, the 7,8,9,10,11,and 12th grades are all together. My best friend is obese, and the mean girl teases her. This is the best comeback ever:

"So, when is your baby due?" *The mean girl posse is LOLing.*
"I don't know, ask your boyfriend" *the mean girl has a bf
*Mean girl looks at her bf*
"When is the bab-" Oh shit...

My girl pwned her.

^That comeback is awesome!

Today I did something so brave!

I walked towards my work but I had to pass some painters who where taking a break from their work. They whistled and on of them had the courage to squeeze me in my ass. I turned around and grabbed him in,, well.. his lower place. While I was kind of squeezing him I said on an centimeter distance of his face.. " I really wanted to say something that would make you feel stupid and small,, but now I realize that you are_already__very____small." I walked further and I heard his friends saying: oooooohhhh you shouldn't mess with her!

After Me washing my hands I realized that that was like really cool..

Haha That 70s Show:

Michael Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna Pinciotti: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Steven Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Donna Pinciotti: I love you, Eric.
Eric: I love... cake.
Eric: [in a later scene] Donna, it's just that... if I say it, and then we break up, what would I tell myself?
Donna Pinciotti: You could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you.
Eric: OK, I deserve that.

Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?

Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
Steven Hyde: How long have you two been planning that line out?
Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.


OMG, that was hilarious!!!!!!